A Monster in Disguise

It turns out I have a talent to bring the worst out of people. I can turn saints into sinners. I can make them abandon their beliefs and principles. I.. am powerful enough.. to do all that! Without even knowing what I am doing.. without the intention.. I do it unknowingly, and that is the worst part.

When someone does it knowingly, with prior intentions to ruin someone, then they are evil, but they are in contol. But if I do it without knowing or noticing what I'm doing until its already done, its worse because there isn't a way backwards. Once its done, its done. And once you realise it you also have this huge and heavy regret and pain pressuring your heart and soul. 

The time it really hurts, is when you do it to someone you really love and care about, you love them for their purity, for their beliefs, for their principles, the same things that you ruined unintentionally. 

I don't know how I can come back knowing this now. I don't think I can come back from this actually.. I'm a monster, and a I need to learn if I can be tamed, but I need to make sure I don't hurt anyone while learning this. Either I do it safely, or I stay away from anyone I could hurt, and I don't learn or progress. I thought I was in control, but I'm not. I'm not even close.

A Recurring Dream

Hey Surfers,

I have this recurring dream, where I am laying down exactly where I am sleeping in reality, even in the same clothes and lighting conditions. I open my eyes, still very sleepy, but wanting to get up to do something, anything. I try to sit or stand up, but it feels like there is this powerful invisible force holding me down. No matter how hard I try, it doesn't allow me to get up. It feels like I'm tied up with heavy chains.

In this dream it seems that I am aware of what this force is, or who is controlling this force. In this dream, I believe it to be Jinn. I push myself so hard to get up, and barely succeed at it. I manage to sit down, but not to stand up. And I feel this immense gravity pulling me back to bed. I lay back down to bed, and fall to sleep.

I'm not sure at all if this is related to Jinn. I interpret it to be otherwise. I think Jinn is a metaphor of my fear. Fear of Failure. My fear is holding me down like gravity, like a majestic monster controlling me kineticly. It stops me from moving forward, with my dreams, my relationships, my career, my life. It enjoys watching me lay down in torture, as my life goes by in front of me while I am helpless. I let it control me. I let it torture me. I stay still. I stay silent. I stay.. weak.

Surf Safely,

Dreamer! 

The Ugly Truth

Tell me the truth,

Do people love me more than I love myself,

Or value you me more than I value myself,

Or are they valuing themselves and their benefit for my presence?

Tell me the truth God,

Will I ever get out of this cycle?

Will I stop treating myself as a servant, an achiever of everyone else's happiness but my own?

Will I ever stop shelving my plans, goals, and dearest dreams?

Will I let go of this persistent need to please everyone I care about?

Tell me if I am wrong,

I only pretend to love and care for myself, but deep down, I mean nothing to me. 

The Great March

Hello Again Surfers,

So Since 2017, I had developed an important habit every December, cutting off from all sources of Social Media, which usually even included instant messaging applications. It always helped me clear out my soul and mind, detoxify. I couldn't do it in 2019. It was difficult as I had to travel for my brother's marriage and it would have been very difficult to contact people back home who couldn't have made it to the wedding and update them with.. wedding catastrophies and mostly pictures and videos of the events. I didn't have the heart to do it. And I highly regret it because I am becoming a disaster right now, I feel so toxic. Body, mind and soul.

So I'm shifting my Happy December to become my Great March. It only makes sense as its my birth month. It makes sense because I am on the verge of a break down. It will help me focus, hyperfocus. I'm not an ADHD but sometimes I get the feeling that I am, maybe not physically but sort of mentally. Its very difficult for me to focus and go through with something that I have set my mind to. I fall through for a couple of days and then I quickly get distracted. Now add Social Media to that. It makes it impossible for me to achieve anything in life, and I am a dreamer! I have a million goal and a million idea and a million plan.

I'm not sure if I have written about this here before, but a few months ago, I had given up on my current career. I decided it wasn't for me, I wasn't happy with it anymore and it started draining me. I took a test, a personality/career test. Based on many long MCQs, it tells you what you could do for a living, and all the things that were on it are things that I am passionate about. I had made a plan to develop myself in two of those choices before my 30th birthday, and that would have been the day that I quit my job. I have a feeling now that this day will come sooner than I planned. But I am dedicating the Great March for this plan. I have exactly 2 years and 12 days from today, to become the person I want to be. 

So as of 12 AM this night, I am deleting all social media apps for 31 days. It's time for my #SoulRehab again.

So long Surfers, 

Dreamer.

Where the Road Curves Vs. Where it Ends

Dear Surfers,

Its been a while, but that has been the case with every single article I post. And there's nothing to blame for that but myself, my laziness, and the fact that I have never properly invested my time in doing the things I love to do until now. You all can see a list of to-dos, or more like "to-learn", from a couple of years ago, and when I disappear after each post you must be thinkin' "Oh, this girl's out there living her life and doing all the things she planned to do and learning how to do them". Well I'm not. I might have done a thing or two, or planned to do them, because that's all I knew what to do, but I haven't achieved what I would really love to achieve.

The thing is, I woke up a couple of weeks ago in dispair. I suddenly realised that 1- what I do for a living is not what I really wanna do for a living. 2- I've been planning for the things I want to become or side businesses I want to start without real actions. And 3- this is taking me in circles and I am going nowhere!
Now this freaked the hell out of me. Ok, now I've always loved math, and in college, there was no subject that I enjoyed more than accounting. Hold on that's a lie, I loved psychology and religions of the world and enjoyed them way more but these were electives. But I knew that when I graduate, I wanted to be a full time accountant, I even wanted to take specialised certifications in that field. And now that I am an accountant, I would do anything to get out of that job without having to quit again.

So I started to ask myself some questions. What do I want to do for a living? To answer that I needed to dig into myself and find out what I enjoy doing, as hobbies!, which I could still turn into a valuable skill and therefore a career and source of living. I could have answered that to myself easily. But I decided that I couldn't take the risk of making another mistake in making such a decision at my age, and realising years later again that I have made the wrong choice and have to start all over again. I turned to what I like to call my "Uncle Google". He gave me a career test, which enlightened me to something called the "Myers-Briggs 16 personality types". The career test was basically a personality test, once a personality type was defined for you, you get ideas of what you might be good at.

Now here's the funny part, three of the career recommendations for the 2 types I turned out to be a mix of, are three things I have already "PLANNED" to invest myself into. But none of those plans have yet seen the light, they might have seen a glimpse of it, but not the full thing yet.

So here's the bottom line. Here's the moral of this continuous blabbering of mine. Here's what I would like each one of you to keep engraved in your minds and your children's minds, and your siblings and your friends and anyone you find in a position of choosing a career or being lost not knowing where to start. Wait, what was I trying to say?
JK, keep in your mind that a life changing decision should always be done after a proper research. Dig into yourself and you will find the answer within you. Don't make hasty decisions that will make you end up depressed, like I am right now. Take your time and make sure to do something you love, because if you don't like what you do then you wouldn't wanna continue doing it.
And after 9 years made of 6 jobs, yes that's alot of getting bored and switching jobs, I realised this is why I was getting bored! I freakin' hate my job.

After I've blabbered my heart out to you surfers, let me leave you with a quote:

"If you want to be successful, its just this simple. Know what you are doing, love what you are doing, and believe in what you are doing." ~ Will Rogers

Surf Safely,
Dreamer!

A Time to Become

Time flies, it feels like the more we grow up, the more we are speeding up the cycle of Earth & Sun. Just yesterday I remember wearing my graduation gown and walking amongst my best friends to the stage. I remember the cheers of parents, families and friends, as we received our degrees. I remember celebrating with my family and friends afterwards, but it wasn’t yesterday, it was 3 years ago!

I had big plans, looking back at the past 3 years, I believe I have achieved none. Time truly flies, and its on us. While we are still young, while we still have our health, its on us to make sure time doesn’t fly us by. We are busy becoming social personalities and celebrities, trying to get those 1M followers, and we lose our sense of time, we lose the time to become.

Although the month already started, I decided that as of today, this month will be social media free. I promise to dedicate my last month of 2017 to learn how to reach out to people, talk to people, meet people, and be more physically social. I will be dedicating December to spending time with my family and friends, and not just sending a snap to them everyday. Social media has wasted enough of our years. I will be also focusing on doing things I love, learning new things, and getting , excuse me for the next word, my shit together.

When I started writing this post, I didn’t know what I was getting to. I didn’t know I was starting this. Now that I have, the title seems just right for it. Now the time has struck 12AM, its December fourth, if anyone would like to join me at this, please feel free to.

Lets use this hashtag and let people know before we disappear for 28 days: #SoulRehab

Use your time wisely, be active, go on adventures, meet new people, hangout with friends, do stuff you like and learn things you know you always wanted to learn. You can and will achieve more than you think.

P.s: whatsapp is a social media app.


Surf safely!
Dreamer

I Stand Alone

‪And here I stand all alone, looking at the sky so wide, the earth so plain, the oceans so vast, and I'm standing, in the middle, memories flashing, trying to spot the mistakes made. But it was a series of mistakes, a sky so wide mistake, an earth so plain mistake, an ocean so vast mistake, and I stand all alone.‬

We Judge People, And Then Expect Not to Be Judged

Konbanwaaa!

So its been a while, as usually -.-'' , I hope the little number of readers I had didn't give up on me yet.

I couldn't help it but to be annoyed when I told my dad that I was going to my friend's house for a Christmas party, and he said that they will all be drinking. Then I explained to him that the parents don't drink nor allow their sons to drink at home. And when I used the word religious to describe them, he laughed and said what are they "Mutawa'a"?! (Mutawa'a or Mulla is the word Muslims use for religious people, known to have long beards as well). It annoyed me specially, because I rarely become friends with Christians (I rarely get the chance so nothing personal), but when I do, they always show me a lot of respect and kindness, and understanding to our religion and its limits.

People judge a lot depending on a person's religion. Americans see a long bearded man and say "Talibaan" or "Terrorist". Muslims see a Christian and think "Drinker" or "Playboy". We think of all Jews as Israeli, Islam and Palestinians haters. While I have heard of Jews who have died trying to defend Palestinians. One Muslim doesn't represent all Muslims, and being a Muslim doesn't describe the person I am, but only a part of who I am. And the same goes to all religions. It is stereotyping, we should stop that as well.

We do it without thinking, and get angry when it is done to us without thinking. We see a car driven slowly and using indicators, we say "Women!" or "Malbariiiis", NO OFFENSE TO EITHER. A guy bumps into you while walking, and he's a pervert. The examples are too many. We don't think that maybe, if we stop doing it ourselves, it won't be done to us. Because "Karma is a Bi**h", excuse the language. Maybe if each person thought to start it from within themselves, the world will become a better place.

Honestly, I do it myself. I am not perfect, and nobody is. There is something in Islam that doesn't allow us to judge, it is called حسن الظن (Husn Althann), which means that whenever we see something we always have too look at it from the good angle, to assume the better. We don't do that. We should..

The world is bad already. I believe that it can be better, but its us that make it worse. Just think before you speak, and start the change,, From Within.

Surf Safely,

Dreamer!

Attachment

Hey readers.. or nobody, sometimes I feel nobody reads my blog, but that actually kinda encourages me to write more, because it feels more secure. I'm the type of person that likes to be secure, and not get attached to things because it will not go away easy. I even stopped having tea in the morning because the day that I don't, or when I wake up early, I get a headache.

So there's this app called Memoir that I downloaded a while ago, and then deleted, but I'm still registered and it still can access my social accounts because I didn't stop that. The app basically syncs all your social accounts, even accesses the pictures and videos you take with your phone and things you receive on whatsapp and other IM apps, and then it creates a board of all your memories. Now that I deleted the app I don't have the board anymore, but since I didn't delete the account I still get emails from them. Once in a while, it surprises me with a memory that happened exactly a year ago from this day.

Now getting to my point, a year ago yesterday, I tweeted "Didn't think it was possible But I think I forgot.... Almost". The truth is, I was more like wishing I could forget. When you get attached, it takes a lot of effort to dis-attach, and the more you are attached the more its harder. The tweet was about a person who was..is..will always be important to me, no matter what I say or do. You could try, and try, and keep trying. Replacement could be an answer, but when deep inside you, you don't really want to forget, which I am in this case, it won't work. Getting busy on the other hand could help, a little, or a lot. And when I have just finished college and quit my job and haven't found one yet, it is quiet hard to not think about that person.

Speaking of attachments, doesn't Outlook (formerly Hotmail) suck, is very slow and keeps hanging when you try to attach? Whenever it happens I open my Gmail and VOOM! the email is sent. Sometimes I think of totally switching to my Gmail but the problem is most of my subscriptions are on Hotmail and I am to lazy to switch. I guess I'm attached to Hotmail huh?!

Umm, OK back to the subject..

So here's a piece of advice for all of you out there, or for myself maybe, don't ever get attached to anyone. Love from the bottom of your heart, live your life to the fullest, enjoy and make something out of yourself and let no room be for regret. But don't let people pull you down, and never wait for people to make your day, make it for yourself. Its a matter of limitations, or maybe balancing, that people need to learn. Its hard, I know, but that's how life is.

P.S: Ukh, I know I keep saying that I'll blog more but I don't eventually, I should really change that. OK I promise, one more blog post this week. Want a hint about what is it?.. Remember all the things I wanna learn?.. It's a part of it ;)

That's it for now.

Surf Safely Readers, or Nobody,
Dreamer!

The Jack of All Trades, Master of None

I think I'm cursed. I haven't regretted anything that I have done in my life until now, because I'm sure God knows whats best for me and that all what I do is Written in my books by him and I have faith in him. But I certainly feel lost, clueless, and just really really cursed. Don't get me wrong, I mean I know I just said I believe in God's well and at the same time I said that I am cursed, but that curse is made by me and for me; I'm cursed inside my head.

I don't like complimenting myself at all, I hate being complimented by others even. But, I know I'm smart, I can be successful in my life, I can. But I'm cursed by not knowing what I'm best at, what I should adopt in myself and be devoted to train and develop in myself so I can make a career and a life out of it. And because of that damn curse, I have been jumping around learning all sorts of different things which ended me up with being the Jack of All Trades and Master of None.

As much as I love knowing so many different things, as much as I hate it. I don't know what to do with it or what I must do with my life.

People starts using it as well, like wherever I work. They see me as an "All-in-one" person, just like a printer, and then they start shuffling me around at work. Employers actually always look for that type of person, they find it cheaper for them, just like buying an All-in-one printer.

I took a break,Finally. I quit my job, and I'm about to finish with my bachelor. I'm gonna take my time, although its gonna be hard to be jobless and do nothing, and the hyper type!. But its for the best.

I might eventually find myself, or maybe myself will find me.. :P

Anyways I know I must have given you all a headache.

Surf safely,

Dreamer!.